COSI
COSÌ
Music by Wolfgang Amadeus Mozart
Original libretto by Lorenzo da Ponte
Adapted/translated by Kelley Rourke
for the Glimmerglass Festival, 2026
SYNOPSIS
Ferrando and Guglielmo, football players at Sunbury College, each believe they’ve found “the one” in Dorabella and Fiordiligi, respectively. Alfonso, the dorm’s cynical janitor, argues that love is a lot of nonsense. Sure of their girlfriends’ devotion, the men agree to a bet orchestrated by Alfonso. They take their leave on false pretenses, then return, disguised for the evening’s Halloween party, and attempt to seduce each other’s mates, assisted by both Alfonso and Despina, the Resident Advisor. When the women resist their advances, the men believe they have won the bet, but Alfonso is not yet satisfied. For the next experiment, Alfonso has the disguised men pretend that lovesickness has driven them to suicidal behavior. Despina makes a charade of providing medical support, and the men use the escalating chaos to press their case with Dorabella and Fiordiligi.
Later that evening, Despina convinces Dorabella and Fiordiligi that a little innocent flirtation will do no harm. When the men return, Guglielmo successfully woos Dorabella, but Fiordiligi stands firm against Ferrando’s attempted seduction. After learning of Dorabella’s indiscretion, Fiordiligi decides to leave campus and visit Guglielmo, but before she can, Ferrando appears, unwilling to take no for an answer. The party moves into a bawdy campus ritual. Just as mismatched pairs find themselves in a compromising situation, the players’ return from to campus is announced. It is anyone’s guess what the four young lovers will do with the information they have learned about each other — and themselves.
Act 1
Overtura
N. 1 - Terzetto
Ferrando and Guglielmo, members of the Sunbury College football team, lounge in their dorm’s common room. Alfonso, the janitor, listens in as he completes a chore.
Ferrando
I get it, I get it
We're s'posed to have fun
But why play the field
when you've landed the one?
I think Dorabella just might be the one.
Guglielmo
Ferrando, I feel you,
I let down my guard
I never imagined
I'd fall quite so hard.
I fell for Fiordiligi. I fell pretty hard.
Alfonso
Tread carefully, fellas.
Romance is a minefield.
A reckless commitment
could blow you to bits.
Ferrando and Guglielmo
Who asked your opinion?
What makes you the expert?
We follow our hearts and
we live by our wits.
Alfonso
I'm telling you, fellas
Ferrando and Guglielmo
Shut up, you're just jealous.
How dare you insult us?
We think you should leave.
Ferrando and Guglielmo
A bitter old cynic
Unlucky with women
It's easy to see why
you do not believe
Alfonso
I'm only suggesting
Your theories need testing
Have fun if you wanna
But don't be naïve.
Recitativo
Guglielmo
What’s your problem?
Your attitude could use an adjustment.
Alfonso
Ooh, that's really wrenching.
Only fools try to
fix what isn't broken.
Ferrando
You don't know
who you're talking to.
Anyone who messes with a Spartan
is cruising for a bruising.
Alfonso
I swear, you're a pair of cross-threaded nut jobs…
Ferrando
Don't say another word,
Or else, for God's sake —
Alfonso
For YOUR sake, I'll keep talking.
You haven't done your homework.
All animals are driven
to reproduce their species
And you are no exception
These girls are made of flesh and blood and hormones,
just as we are.
Go on and have your fun, but just remember
They are not goddesses. They're merely girls.
Ferrando and Guglielmo
They're women!
And what women, what women!
Alfonso
So you think you know women?
You trust what you feel?
Time to face the facts: love isn't real.
N. 2 - Terzetto
Alfonso
You have studied lofty legends
Pretty poems and splendid epics
Perfect love is like the Phoenix
Fascinating. Captivating. But just a myth.
Ferrando
You don't know my Dorabella!
Guglielmo
You don't know my Fiordiligi.
Alfonso
They're just women. We're all human.
Perfect love does not exist.
You have studied lofty legends
Pretty poems and splendid epics
Perfect love is like the Phoenix
It's just a myth.
Recitativo
Ferrando
I've heard enough from this cynic.
Guglielmo
He's probably just bitter.
Alfonso
I'd call it realistic.
Alfonso
Shall I prove it?
What if I could show you once and for all
you're better off without them?
Guglielmo
Oh, go to hell.
Ferrando
Buzz off.
Alfonso
A bet?
Ferrando
You're crazy.
Alfonso
A hundred dollars.
Guglielmo
Why not two hundred?
Alfonso
You're on, boys.
Ferrando
Then let's shake on it.
Alfonso
But promise to keep it a secret.
The deal is null and void if you reveal it
to your girls before tomorrow.
Ferrando
We promise!
Alfonso
On your honor as Spartans?
Guglielmo
On our honor as Spartans.
Alfonso
You'll follow my instructions,
no matter what they are?
Ferrando
Oh, yeah.
Guglielmo
(We'll mop the floor with him.)
Alfonso
I heard that.
Ferrando and Guglielmo
The game is on —
Now watch us take your money.
Ferrando
He's never been in love —
that's why he's such a cynic.
Guglielmo
What will we do with all that money
after we win it?
N. 3 - Terzetto
Ferrando
I'll arrange a private concert
for the woman I adore.
Guglielmo
I'll arrange a swanky banquet,
truffles, caviar and more.
I'll arrange a swanky banquet
like you've never seen before.
Alfonso
Will I get an invitation?
Ferrando and Guglielmo
You will be our honored guest.
Ferrando, Guglielmo, Alfonso
We will raise a glass to love and
put all argument to rest.
And we'll raise a glass to friendship
and put argument to rest.
Scene 2
N. 4 - Duetto
The women enter, having just returned from the drugstore with party supplies and recently-developed photos. They find a quiet corner to review the photos.
Fiordiligi
But look, Dorabella —
Look at him!
His nose is so noble
His lips are so kissable
My man is a prize.
Dorabella
Consider Ferrando —
Ferrando!
An athlete in action
Such spirit, such passion,
Such fire in his eyes.
Fiordiligi
A face with no equal
A fighter… and a lover.
Dorabella
So tough and so stoic
Romantic — and heroic.
Fiordiligi
I'm happy! Ecstatic! I'm happy! So happy!
Dorabella
I'm happy! Ecstatic! So happy!
Fiordiligi and Dorabella
He loves me so sweetly
I trust him completely
I love him, he loves me.
How lucky we are in love.
Fiordiligi
I can't wait for this evening.
We've worked hard on the details for the party.
I have a feeling this will be a night we'll always remember.
Alfonso makes his presence known.
Scene 3
Dorabella
We've got company.
Looks like there's something on his mind.
Fiordiligi
I bet he dreads these parties.
Alfonso
I'm so sorry…
Dorabella
For what? Is something broken?
Alfonso
More than likely
The sound when they went down...
made me so queasy...
Fiordiligi
Gugliemo…?
Dorabella
Not Ferrando?
Alfonso
This won't be easy!
N. 5 - Aria
Alfonso
Listen, girls, you must be brave.
How I wish I could spare you pain
But what's done, alas, is done
Life will never be the same.
All that promise, turned to dust
Two young champions in their prime
I can't tell you, but I must.
Oh, if I could turn back time.
Recitativo
Fiordiligi
Please tell us! We deserve to know what happened.
You can't keep us in suspense.
Alfonso
It was awful. I've never seen a pile-up get so violent.
But they'll put them back together in no time.
Dorabella
Let me see him!
Alfonso
If you're certain....
(stage whisper) It's show time!
Scene 4
Guglielmo and Ferrando enter in dirty football uniforms, comically “bruised” and bandaged.
N. 6 - Quintetto
Guglielmo
Every muscle I have is aching
I think everything is broken.
Ferrando
And my jaw is bruised and swollen
I can barely speak a word.
Alfonso
It is only in adversity
that a Spartan proves his worth.
Fiordiligi and Dorabella
I can't stand to be without you
I'll withdraw from all my classes
I'll go with you
No one can stop me
‘Cause without you I will die.
Ferrando and Guglielmo
You worked so hard to plan the party
Do not let us wreck your night.
Dorabella
I am overcome with worry
Fiordiligi
I won't rest until you're better
Dorabella
Oh my darling, do not leave me
Fiordiligi
I can't live without you near me.
Ferrando
(See, we told you.)
Guglielmo
(See, we told you.)
Alfonso
(Ever hear of Yogi Berra?
It's not over till it's over.)
Tutti
Who can say where fate will take us?
What a sudden separation
I am full of agitation
Who can say what happens now?
Recitativo (cut)
N. 7 - Duettino (cut)
Scene 5
N. 8 - Coro
The cheer squad fills the dorm, horrified yet proud of their valiant football stars.
Cheer Squad
We are Spartans, true and tough
With our discipline and muscle
We will make our rivals hustle
You could say we've got the stuff
We have pride and we have principles
We are stoic and heroic
On the field we're nearly invincible
We are fighters through and through.
We are Spartans, tough and true.
Recitativo
Guglielmo
The ambulance is waiting.
The sooner those two get to the clinic
The sooner they'll recover
Fiordiligi
My love...
Dorabella
Oh, my Ferrando...
Ferrando
Don't cry...
Guglielmo
Don't worry...
Fiordiligi
How can I keep from crying?
Ferrando and Guglielmo
A kiss before I leave you.
Fiordiligi and Dorabella
Oh God, I'm dying.
N. 9 - Quintetto
Fiordiligi
Do not forget to call me.
Call me, call me, remember….
Dorabella
Do not forget to call.
Remember. I love you.
Ferrando
I'll call you. I'll call you.
Guglielmo
I won't forget. I won't forget. Oh, darling.
Alfonso
(I'll bust a gut from laughing.)
Fiordiligi
Never forget you are mine.
Dorabella
Always remember.
Ferrando
My darling…
Guglielmo
My darling…
Fiordiligi and Dorabella
My darling…
Fiordiligi, Dorabella, Ferrando and Guglielmo
My heart will break in two.
Oh, how I love you.
My darling, I love you, I love you.
Coro
Cheer Squad
We are Spartans, true and tough
With our discipline and muscle
We will make our rivals hustle
You could say we've got the stuff
We have pride and we have principles
We are stoic and heroic
On the field we're nearly invincible
We are fighters through and through.
We are Spartans, tough and true.
Recitativo
Dorabella
There they go.
Fiordiligi
They're very brave.
I hope their rehab isn’t terribly painful.
Dorabella
Our team's at a disadvantage
until they recover.
Alfonso
May God preserve the Spartans
and your two lovers.
N. 10 - Terzettino
Fiordiligi, Dorabella e Alfonso
May heaven protect you
May kindness attend you
May cool breezes bless you
refresh and befriend you
and soothe every pain
Scene 7
Recitativo
Alfonso
And now it's time to plunge ahead! To uncork
a veritable torrent of emotion
that will cleanse them from their ignorance
and relieve them of two C-notes.
An education in healthy elimination.
Then, their girlfriends — what histrionics!
Methinks they doth protest too much.
It won't take much to move them.
These romantic types are easily distracted
I know just the technique.
Watch how I school them.
What kind of fools would make such a wager?
Romance is fleeting
Women are unpredictable
These foolish schoolboys
think they are invincible.
To place a bet on love
is to be miserable.
Scene 8
Recitativo
Despina
No matter what the crisis
they all come to Despina.
They need help with their roommates
with love, their classes, and their laundry.
And half the time they ignore the advice I give them.
Scene 9
Recitativo
Fiordiligi
Ah!
Dorabella
Ah!
Despina
What's the matter?
Fiordiligi
I can't believe it!
I may have to withdraw!
Despina
What is it? Tell me.
Dorabella
Get away from me!
I feel like I could vomit
and my head is pounding.
I need quiet and darkness.
Everything's over.
How will I go on living?
My life is worthless.
I feel I am to blame.
If I had been there…
I need to be alone.
Leave me! Everybody out!
Leave me, I beg you.
N. 11 - Aria
Dorabella
Such awful agony
and agitation
Piercing anxiety
and devastation
I feel so awful
I want to die.
A fate so terrible
so cruel, so tragic
Appalling Destiny
My love has vanished
and I have nothing left
but tears and sighs.
Recitativo
Despina
What happened, Dorabella?
What is it, Fiordiligi?
I can't help if you won't tell me.
Dorabella
It's too awful to say it.
Despina
Perhaps your friend can help you.
Fiordiligi
Our boyfriends were injured
and they've gone away to rehab.
Despina
Gone to rehab?
They're in good hands.
Fiordiligi
Ah, without Guglielmo
I don't know how I'll function.
Dorabella
Ah, without Ferrando
The pain will kill me.
How will I go on living?
Despina
Come on, cheer up.
You'll be alright.
A temporary hiatus
might teach you something.
Take a break and explore.
Check out your options.
That's the whole point of college.
We're only young once.
There's no point wasting time when
you could be learning something!
Let's get ready for the party!
Fiordiligi
For the party?!
Despina
And why not?
Your boyfriends can't expect you to sit around just moping.
I bet they're already flirting with all the pretty nurses.
Dorabella
I am sure they are focused on recovery.
They are men of discipline and virtue.
Despina
I'm not sure how to put this.
Alas, I fear the truth may hurt you.
N. 12 - Aria
Despina
A quarterback? And a tackle?
You think they live like monks?
He's a Spartan, but trust me, he's no monk.
He's a punk. Not a monk.
That's the problem with falling for a hunk.
Men who have options are
prone to distraction
Constantly in the zone
eager for action
high on testosterone
They're all the same.
Flowers and flattery
“Shall I compare thee?”
Plagiarized poetry!
Ladies, be wary
They will try anything
They have no shame
Love is a battlefield
there are no guidelines
don't let them dominate
get off the sidelines
Pleasure and victory
are yours to claim
Throw off conventional
feminine habits
Be more intentional
Seek fun and grab it
Go out and conquer them
Make it your game
Scene 10
Recitativo
Alfonso
Hey, Despina!
Despina
What is it?
Alfonso
Hey!
Despina
Ugh.
Alfonso
Listen Despina,
I have a proposition.
Despina
What is it this time?
Alfonso
I believe you'll be pleased.
Despina
I have no interest
in anything you could possibly offer.
Alfonso opening the vending machine
I’ve got keys to the kingdom.
Despina
Pretty sweet.
Alfonso
First, I need some assistance.
Despina
What are you up to?
I want to know specifics.
Alfonso
If you help me
you'll have Ding Dongs for days.
Despina
That’s no answer. Say more.
Alfonso
Take this and I'll tell you.
Ferrando and Guglielmo
have gone away to rehab.
Despina
I know.
Alfonso
Their silly girls are
groaning and moaning like a pair of rusty hinges.
Despina
I heard them.
Alfonso
And so I thought I'd offer a solution:
A couple of alumni I've kept in touch with, back for a visit.
I promised them a good time
and I thought you could help us,
you know, grease the wheels...
You understand me...
If you want a Sugar Daddy, look no further
Got your PayDay right here.
Despina
Sounds good to me.
They could use a distraction.
Sign me up!
Alfonso
They're here.
Shall I invite them in?
Despina
Can't see why not.
N. 13 - Sestetto
Ferrando and Guglielmo have chosen a circus theme; they are unrecognizable in their costumes as clown and strongman (in an inflated muscle costume), respectively.
Alfonso
I present my friend Despina
She's the Resident Advisor
When it comes to love, she's wiser
than most anyone I know.
Ferrando and Guglielmo
Oh, how glad we are to meet you
If you have any suggestions
We will heed them without questions
Tell us what we need to know.
Despina
Oh, those costumes! What a vision!
So creative! So committed!
They have really put some effort
into putting on a show
Amazing! Really! Really! Amazing!
Alfonso
Are their costumes not inventive?
Despina
They could give a girl incentive
to run off and join the circus
but they sure put on a show.
Ferrando, Guglielmo e Alfonso
We achieved our first objective
Our (Their) disguises are effective
Now it's time to start the show.
Despina
So creative! So committed.
They have really put some effort
into putting on a show.
Fiordiligi and Dorabella
Hey Despina, Hello, Despina!
Despina
There's our mourners.
Alfonso
Now is the moment.
You convince them. I will be waiting.
Fiordiligi and Dorabella
Who let strangers in the building?
All I want is peace and quiet
This whole day is a disaster.
Go away! You have to go!
Despina, Ferrando and Guglielmo
Please forgive us (them), lovely ladies
We (they) are fine upstanding fellows
and we (they) heard that you were hurting
so we (they) thought we'd (they'd) say hello.
Fiordiligi and Dorabella
Oh, how shameless! How insulting!
We don't want your consolation.
We say no, and no means no.
No!
Despina, Ferrando and Guglielmo
Don't be angry. We (They) adore you.
Fiordiligi and Dorabella
We are angry. We abhor you.
Now dismay and indignation
make me shake
from head to toe.
Despina e Alfonso
(Their dramatic indignation
I suspect is just a show.)
Ferrando Guglielmo
(What a perfect vindication
We will win the bet and Al will owe)
Fiordiligi and Dorabella
(I can feel a strange sensation
What it is, I do not know.)
Recitativo
Alfonso
What a ruckus! Over nothing!
There is no need for yelling.
I remind you, some of us are working.
If I'm distracted, everybody suffers.
What's the problem? Enlighten me.
Dorabella
These men — these masked men —
showed up and started flirting!
Alfonso
What's wrong with that?
Fiordiligi
What's wrong? Have you forgotten?
On this day of bereavement?
Alfonso
My God! Of course! You don't know them.
They're alumni — from the class of eighty-seven!
It's been so long! What news?
Tell me how you're doing.
I'm delighted to see you.
(Play along with me.)
Ferrando
You haven't changed, ol' buddy.
Guglielmo
It's good to see you.
Alfonso
It's good of you to visit.
Despina
These men are friends of yours?
Alfonso
Yes, absolutely.
They are two of my favorite people:
illustrious alumni and models of Spartan honor.
Fiordiligi
What brings you back to campus?
Guglielmo
We come before you, two men
who seek out hearts in need of rescue.
For love….
Dorabella
You are relentless!
Ferrando
Yes, love, relentless,
has commanded we fly to console you.
Guglielmo
Your teary eyes are a beacon
they beckoned us like stars —
or no, like Venus —
Ferrando
With a light so enchanting —
Guglielmo
Now we circle like moths
around a lantern
Ferrando
Standing by for your answer
Guglielmo
See us flutter before you…
Ferrando and Guglielmo
…because we burn to tell you
that we adore you.
Fiordiligi
You are insane.
Dorabella
I'm not sure what to do now...
Fiordiligi
Leave this instant!
Do not compound the violation.
We are offended by your pathetic attempt at flirtation
We are wise to your lies! Abomination!
I know your type. You come on strong
and never accept no for an answer.
You think we like that
You believe we are flattered.
Well, not this woman.
You are truly a fool if I don't scare you.
Think you're up for the challenge?
Try me. I dare you.
N. 14 - Aria
Fiordiligi
Like a stoic, a storied warrior
I take pity on no opponent, no, no mercy!
None shall sway my ardent spirit,
fierce devotion and steadfast love.
For the flame of love eternal
is my only consolation
and it shall not be extinguished
I am Spartan to my core.
It is hopeless to approach me
My resolve cannot be broken
And my faith cannot be shaken
I am woman, hear me roar.
Recitativo
Ferrando
No, do not leave us!
Guglielmo
We only ask a moment…
(See, we told you.)
Alfonso
(We're just getting started.)
The Spartan code of honor
places great weight
on kindness and compassion.
Dorabella
Not in the face of harassment!
Alfonso
Oh, come on. Can you blame them?
No man could resist you.
And listen, I can vouch for them.
They're a pair of stand-up gentlemen.
Fiordiligi
That may be, but what do they want from us?
Guglielmo
A bit of kindness
and mercy on our hearts.
When I saw you, I felt as though I knew you.
I sensed the weight of destiny
and knew that I'd feel incomplete
until we came together.
Just for a moment, release your inhibitions
Let your heart hear the call
of the heart that beats before you
and see how I adore you.
N. 15 - Aria
Guglielmo
Come, drop your defenses
and open your senses.
If you feel connection,
why not take a chance?
Your eyes have enchanted us
You've hooked us like fishes
Our hearts have commanded us
to grant all your wishes.
With your kind permission
We make our petition
Oh do not reject us
before you inspect us
For as you'll discover
We're sturdy, athletic
and quite energetic
poetic, magnetic
Inspect us: our insteps: energetic,
our torsos, athletic,
our noses and lips are perfection!
And lastly, my mustache
so lush and luxurious
so dashing and masculine
it drives women wild.
The women storm out. Ferrando and Gugliemo collapse in laughter, sure they have won the bet.
Alfonso
Why are you laughing?
Ferrando and Guglielmo
Just like we told you.
Alfonso
Don't be so certain
Ferrando and Guglielmo
They really showed you.
Alfonso
Don't laugh so loudly!
Ferrando and Guglielmo
Just like we told you.
Alfonso
Now just a minute.
Ferrando and Guglielmo
We made a bet and we're gonna win it!
Alfonso
I call the shots until
tomorrow morning.
You made a promise
do not forget
Ferrando and Guglielmo
How's that for clarity?
No ambiguity
Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha!
We got victory
We win the bet
Alfonso
So much hilarity
So much audacity
But our experiment's
not over yet
Recitativo
Alfonso
The game is far from over.
It's not even halftime.
Guglielmo
It's time to call it.
You saw how our girlfriends responded:
never blinked, never wavered.
Ferrando
If you want to cut your losses,
perhaps we can arrange it.
Guglielmo
We'll make you a deal.
Ferrando
Pay us half
and we'll say no more about it.
Alfonso
Not on your lives, boys.
You're so naïve. That little
interlude was just a warm-up.
Guglielmo
You saw what happened.
You still think you can win?
Alfonso
I ought to offer YOU an out.
Ferrando
We've got a sure thing.
Alfonso
Your funeral.
Remember, you swore obedience until tomorrow.
Guglielmo
We are Spartans.
You have our word of honor.
Alfonso
Alright then. Wait for instructions.
We will stage your next maneuver at the party.
For now, stay out of sight until I call you.
Guglielmo
We don't get any dinner?
Ferrando
I'm not worried.
One missed meal will not drain me.
The thought of my love will sustain me.
N. 17 - Aria
Ferrando
Whenever she's near me
Her presence completes me
She loves me so sweetly
She makes me feel whole
She soothes and sustains me
My true love, my soulmate
The light of my life
And balm for my soul.
Scene 13
Recitativo
Alfonso
I admit I'm astonished.
Most kids change their affections
as often as they change their majors.
So far, score one for love…
They're so darn earnest.
Despina
They're being silly.
I really hope the party is a distraction.
All this weeping and wailing
and dismay over nothing.
Those girls just need a push.
A bird in the hand is worth two in the bush.
Alfonso
Really…
Well, necessity's the mother of invention.
Despina
This little separation
could be an education.
What's college for?
To learn! Look around, notice,
try out something different,
pass the time, have some fun.
We are too young to be so serious and mirthless.
If college isn't fun, I say it's worthless.
Despina
Where are your friends?
Alfonso
They're still smarting
from their cruel rejection
Despina
Send them to my office
And I'll lay out the details of my latest strategy.
I'll be waiting in there to advise them.
Tonight will be a night they'll always remember, I guarantee it.
We'll turn those frowns upside down within an hour
And then you'll understand Despina's power.
Scene 14
N. 18 - Finale
The costumed ensemble fills the space, now fully decorated for the party. Fiordiligi and Dorabella, dressed as Alice in Wonderland and the White Rabbit, are the last to enter.
Fiordiligi and Dorabella
Once my days were bright with promise
Now the future's out of focus
All my hopes have been broken
All my dreams have been destroyed.
While my love and I are separate
I am lost and I am lonely
You might say I'm feeling desperate
I'm adrift in some strange void.
Once my days were bright with promise
now my hopes are dashed forever
In a single awful moment
All my dreams have been destroyed.
Scene 15
Ferrando and Guglielmo entering with liquor bottles
If she will not accept me
Why should I go on living?
Alfonso
I beg you, do not do it!
Don't throw away your future.
Fiordiligi and Dorabella
What in the world is happening?
Ferrando and Guglielmo
I'm serious!
Alfonso
No, I beg you!
Ferrando and Guglielmo
The only thing I want to do
is drink until I forget.
Fiordiligi and Dorabella
How long have they been drinking?
Alfonso
They'll pickle all their organs
if we don't stop them, quickly.
They'll drink themselves to death.
Fiordiligi and Dorabella
They're making such a spectacle
I cannot catch my breath.
Ferrando and Guglielmo
How 'bout a bit of tenderness?
Mercy upon our pining?
Our unrequited passion
will drive us to our death.
Fiordiligi and Dorabella
They're making such a spectacle
I cannot catch my breath.
Alfonso, Fiordiligi, Dorabella, Ferrando and Guglielmo
Everything's going hazy.
How can I stop this madness?
Help me. I'm queasy and quivery
Nothing is sure or certain
I shake, I stammer, I shiver
I don't feel very brave.
Alfonso
Look at them reel and stumble
They're gonna do some damage
At least consent to hold them
as they approach the grave.
Fiordiligi and Dorabella
Someone, somebody, help us, hurry!
We're getting pretty worried.
Despina!
Despina
What's the matter?
Fiordiligi and Dorabella
Despina!
Despina
What's the problem?
How could you let this happen?
We need to get some help
Alfonso
I couldn't make them listen.
Bereft in their frustration
They drank to dissipation
I fear that they will die.
Despina
How can you see them suffering
and not spring into action?
Go on, show some compassion.
Fiordiligi, Dorabella and Alfonso
All we (you) can do is try.
Despina
Just take their hands and hold them.
Show them a bit of kindness.
Keep them awake and conscious.
Meanwhile, I'll call a doctor,
a medical professional,
or else these two may die.
Fiordiligi and Dorabella
Oh what an awful scandal
It's more than I can handle
I don't know what to do.
Ferrando and Guglielmo
(It's possible they'll kill us
if they find out the truth.)
Fiordiligi and Dorabella
Their breathing is erratic.
Fiordiligi
What do you think?
Dorabella
What do you think?
Fiordiligi
In a moment of such moment
how can we leave them alone?
Dorabella
This mustache is fascinating.
Fiordiligi
This one's nose is captivating.
Dorabella
I can feel him shake and shiver.
Fiordiligi
Do you think he hurt his liver?
Dorabella
Check their pulses.
Fiordiligi
His heart is racing.
Dorabella
His is beating very slowly.
Fiordiligi and Dorabella
What will happen, what will happen?
It's too awful to imagine.
Ferrando and Guglielmo
They are taken by our masquerade
They are dropping their defenses
Now I fear the consequences
of what seemed a harmless game.
Fiordiligi and Dorabella
We are selfish to reject them
If they die, we are to blame.
Scene 16
Despina enters, disguised as an EMT.
Alfonso
These are the gentlemen.
Hurry, please hurry.
Ferrando and Guglielmo
(She looks incredible.)
Hurry, please hurry.
Despina
I'm a professional
no need to worry.
Fiordiligi and Dorabella
What do you think?
What's your diagnosis?
Despina
Potus potentulus
Inebriatus
Athletae invalidi
Immoderatus
Et egotisticus
Nihi special!
Alfonso
Cut to the chase, there's
no time to waste, we
don't have all day, man.
Can you convey it in
terms for the layman?
What is the remedy
you would suggest?
Fiordiligi and Dorabella
What is the answer?
Doctor knows best.
Despina
I need a history.
Let us begin with
paternal relatives.
Anyone suffer…
Neurosis? Psoriasis?
Stenosis? Psychosis?
Halitosis?
All the above?
Fiordiligi, Dorabella and Alfonso
Both men have broken hearts
That is the problem
They drank prolifically
We could not stop them.
In other words, they're
dying for love.
Despina
Have no more fear, girls
for I am here, girls.
Sometimes the ticker
requires a shove.
(Despina produces defibrillation paddles)
Fiordiligi and Dorabella
What is the gadget that he is wielding?
Despina
They've had a shock so
we shall reverse it
with this technology.
They won't feel anything
since they're unconscious.
Starting a heart again
gives me such a thrill.
CLEAR!
Fiordiligi, Dorabella and Alfonso
Look at then shivering,
quavering, quivering
And while they mutter
their eyes are fluttering
Despina
We have to hold them.
Keep them quite still.
Fiordiligi and Dorabella
We will assist you!
Despina
Hold 'em both closely. Closer!
You got it! I'm confident
they've turned a corner.
Fiordiligi, Dorabella and Alfonso
Regaining consciousness
Moving their limbs again
I hope their insurance
covers the bill.
Ferrando and Guglielmo
Am I dead? Is this Olympus?
Who is this immortal goddess?
I behold the wise Athena.
Am I seeing the lovely Venus?
Oh, my goddess, you complete me
when you smile at me so sweetly
Let your hand reach out to bless me
Let me gaze upon your face.
Despina and Alfonso
They're recovering, but slowly.
Please allow the men some grace.
Fiordiligi and Dorabella
We will help them if we can but
they should not invade our space.
Ferrando and Guglielmo
It is killing me to stop a laugh
from cracking up my face.
Ferrando to Fiordiligi, and Guglielmo to Dorabella
Feel my heartbeat getting stronger.
Fiordiligi and Dorabella
I cannot resist much longer.
Ferrando and Guglielmo
Turn your lovely eyes upon me.
Despina and Alfonso
Feel their heartbeat getting stronger!
Despina and Alfonso
Now the danger's almost over
thanks to timely intervention
plus the ladies' kind attention
now these boys are fine and fit.
Ferrando and Guglielmo
This affair is getting out of hand
But we're in too deep to quit.
Kiss me, kiss me, oh my goddess.
Let my lips receive your blessing.
Fiordiligi and Dorabella
Kiss you? How dare you!
Despina and Alfonso
One small gesture
of affection will not kill you.
Fiordiligi and Dorabella
I don’t know what I was thinking
getting mixed up with these strangers
Men are awful when they're drinking
We should all go get some rest.
Despina, Ferrando, Guglielmo and Alfonso
(So much feeling, fire and passion.
How exciting and how dramatic!
Their reaction is hilarious
even better than I guessed.)
Fiordiligi and Dorabella
I don't care if you are dying
You are way too bold and brazen
You're impertinent and shameless
Go away, we're not impressed.
Despina and Alfonso
(So much feeling, fire and passion.
How exciting! How dramatic!
Their reaction is hilarious
even better than I had guessed.
Now the plot is set in motion
who can say what happens next?)
Ferrando and Guglielmo
(So much feeling, fire and passion.
How exciting! How dramatic!
But I'm starting to get nervous.
Will they pass or fail the test?
Now the plot is set in motion
who can say what happens next?)
Act 2
Scene 1
Recitativo
Despina
What's the big deal?
Fiordiligi
They asked us for a kiss.
Despina
Who can blame them?
Fiordiligi
Leave me alone.
Why can't you mind your own business?
Despina
You're my business.
Fiordiligi
Oh, go away.
Despina
I care.
Dorabella
Oh sure.
Despina
I do.
What can I do to help?
Fiordiligi
Mind your own business.
Despina
We are too young
to take things so seriously.
Dorabella
What do you mean?
Despina
You might as well enjoy the game.
It's not the destination
but the journey that counts.
So take a detour and see what you discover.
You're barely getting started
There is so much of life for you to experience.
Love is a renewable resource.
The more you offer,
the more you fill your coffer.
Fiordiligi
How scandalous!
Despina
You know your boyfriends want you to enjoy the party,
so get out there and dance!
Dorabella
And then?
Despina
And then....follow your heart where it leads you.
You don't need my permission.
Dorabella
What should we do next?
Despina
That's your decision.
Let your heart be your guide
Trust in its wisdom.
N. 19 - Aria
Despina
When a girl becomes a woman
She no longer needs permission
Trust your heart and intuition
They will never lead you astray.
There's no need to be embarrassed.
Now's the time to own your power.
For a moment — for an hour —
Let your instincts show the way.
Don't let them tell you
you're too aggressive.
Take what you need but
don't be excessive.
Sample a scholar,
athlete, musician
Go on, consider him.
Why not audition him?
Life is amusing.
No point refusing.
Own your desires
don’t keep them secret
say what you mean and
mean what you say.
Take my advice, girls:
Love can be healing.
Once more with feeling!
Go seize the day!
Own your desires
Don't keep them secret
Show 'em some fire
Admit your desire
Say what you mean and
mean what you say
Scene 2
Recitativo
Fiordiligi
I've never met anyone like her.
Dorabella
Pretty compelling.
No wonder she's the star of the debate team.
Fiordiligi
But still — I'm so bewildered.
This night has been exhausting.
I don't know what I want.
Dorabella
I want to have a good time!
Even if our men were here at the party
we would all dance and flirt with other people.
Fiordiligi
True enough.
Dorabella
Well, then?
Fiordiligi
You do what you want.
I would rather not risk disappointing Guglielmo.
Dorabella
What he doesn't know won't hurt him.
Everybody's in disguise.
Don't be so boring.
Hypothetically speaking:
If you knew you could choose one of those men…
Fiordiligi
If we're speaking hypothetically...
Dorabella
I've already chosen.
N. 20 - Duetto
Dorabella
I am longing for the strongman.
he's a hero and a half
Fiordiligi
I'm invested in the jester
Cause he really makes me laugh.
Dorabella
When he whispers he can't resist me
I will say I feel the same
Fiordiligi
When he sobs and sighs with feeling
I'll show him two can play that game
Dorabella
He will say
I can't resist you
Fiordiligi
He will say
I have to kiss you
Fiordiligi and Dorabella
Just a harmless bit of nonsense.
what a riot
what a laugh
Scene 3
Recitativo (cut)
Scene 4
N. 21 - Duetto (con Coro)
Egged on by Alfonso, Ferrando and Guglielmo go to the karaoke station and sing to the women.
Ferrando and Guglielmo
Like the easy breeze of springtime
come and wrap your arms around me
With your kisses you have bound me
with the nectar of sweet desire
Love me like the sun in summer
Shake my senses like the ocean
Wave on wave of pure emotion
you have set my soul on fire
Chorus
Like the easy breeze of springtime
you awaken my desire
Recitativo
Despina
That wasn't bad. Keep going.
Have you forgotten how to have a conversation?
Ferrando
It all seems impossible
I don't know what we were thinking.
Guglielmo
I've never felt so nervous.
This could go badly.
Alfonso
You can't just leave them standing there.
Fiordiligi
Nice singing.
Dorabella
Is there something you would like to tell us?
Ferrando
You see, I …
Guglielmo
We were wondering…
Ferrando
(That's a good start.)
Guglielmo
(Now what do I say?)
Alfonso
You silly kids are killing me.
Enough with all this clowning.
Be strong! Seize the moment!
Come, Despina
Let's take charge of the situation
What these kids need is a demonstration.
N. 22 - Quartetto
Alfonso
My friends, pay attention
and follow my lead.
I'll show you the way to
success, guaranteed.
If I was too forward
I beg you, excuse me.
You have every right to
reject and refuse me.
Now I feel so gloomy...
Ferrando and Guglielmo
Gloomy!
Alfonso
The pain will undo me...
Ferrando and Guglielmo
Do me!
Alfonso
I won't move a muscle
without your consent.
Ferrando and Guglielmo
I won't move a muscle
without your consent.
Alfonso
Come on, now it's your turn.
They're waiting… what's so funny?
Despina
If you can't find words
I will give you a hint.
Life is too short for pouting.
We'll say no more about it.
Everything is forgiven.
Let us begin again.
Now seal it with a handshake
And let us all be friends.
Despina and Alfonso
(I think our work is done now
So let them have their fun now
The witching hour is nearly here
so let the games begin.)
Scene 5
Recitativo
Fiordiligi
This has been quite an evening.
Ferrando
Are you warm, or is it me?
Dorabella
These are nice decorations.
Guglielmo
They are really... creative...
A complete transformation.
Fiordiligi
It all feels so...
so strange and unfamiliar
Let’s take a little walk.
Ferrando
Of course, my lady.
Your wish is my command.
Fiordiligi
Thank you kindly.
Ferrando
(The moment of truth approaches)
Fiordiligi
What did you say to your friend?
Ferrando
I just told him he better
be nice to your friend.
Dorabella
Let's go sit over there.
Guglielmo
I live to serve you.
Ah, ah!
Dorabella
Something the matter?
Guglielmo
I'm not sure what I'm feeling.
I'm having trouble breathing
and my heart won't stop racing.
Dorabella
Good grief. Here we go again.
You had a lot to drink.
I will get you some water.
Guglielmo
Yes, it must be intoxication.
But this time not from liquor.
I am burning up with love like molten lava!
Dorabella
You better not get close to me.
Don't let me catch your fever.
Guglielmo
How can you be so cruel?
This is no laughing matter.
(I don't see them.
What's he done with my girlfriend?)
Dorabella
Oh, you're so dramatic.
Guglielmo
I'm not acting. I'm serious.
Why are you laughing?
Dorabella
Me, laughing?
Guglielmo
All I ask is a little kindness,
a sign you'd care if I lived or died.
Dorabella
If that's a challenge
I will try to convince you
life is worth living.
Guglielmo
(I don't like where this is going.)
I would like you to have this
so you never forget me.
Dorabella
A heart?
Guglielmo
A heart. A symbol of the core of my existence,
the heart that beats for you.
Dorabella
How sweet and poetic.
Guglielmo
You accept it?
Dorabella
Don't tempt me!
My heart belongs to no one but Ferrando.
Guglielmo
(She is so close to breaking.
I don't like it,
but I agreed to the terms of the bet.)
I need you!
Dorabella
That's enough.
Guglielmo
I can't resist you.
Dorabella
I told you…
Guglielmo
I know you feel it.
Dorabella
I don't know what I feel.
Guglielmo
Your heart will tell you.
Just be still and listen.
Will you take it?
Dorabella
I'll take it.
Guglielmo
(What will I tell Ferrando?)
Ah! I'm elated!
N. 23 - Duetto
Guglielmo
My heart I give gladly.
Your heart I need badly.
I'm hurting and hollow.
I need yours to live.
Dorabella
Your heart is so precious
I gladly accept it
But my heart is taken
It's not mine to give.
Guglielmo
If your heart is taken
Then what's beating here?
Dorabella
If your heart is given
Then what's beating here?
Guglielmo
What is beating, beating, beating here?
Dorabella
What is leaping, leaping, leaping here?
Dorabella and Guglielmo
It's no use resisting
Our hearts have decided
My heart is insisting
that you are for me.
Guglielmo
Let's make it official.
Dorabella
There's no need to rush.
Guglielmo
Am I just a plaything?
Dorabella
Of course not.
Guglielmo
I need proof.
Dorabella
(There's something arising
so natural and true.)
(I'm sorry, Ferrando,
but what can I do?)
Guglielmo
I've something to show you.
Dorabella
What is it?
Guglielmo
That's better. That's better.
Oh, say you agree.
Dorabella and Guglielmo
We can't fight this feeling
It's no use pretending
My heart beats within you
and yours beats in me.
Scene 6
Recitativo
Ferrando
Wait a sec! What's the problem?
Fiordiligi
This can't be happening.
Disaster! A total nightmare!
Ferrando
I don't think I deserve that!
How could you call me a total nightmare?
You think I'm some kind of monster
who would destroy you
for my own amusement?
Fiordiligi
That's right, a nightmare.
You're a sick, evil clown.
Ferrando
I just want you to be happy.
Fiordiligi
Leave me alone, I mean it.
Ferrando
If I misread your signals...
Fiordiligi
Leave me!
Ferrando
You don't mean that.
If you say you felt nothing
you'll be lying.
Oh God! What have I done?
Now she's crying.
N. 24 - Aria
Scene 7
Recitativo
Fiordiligi
What was that? What if… ah, no!
I won't be tempted
Perhaps a little distance...
then I'll forget him
and come back to my senses.
This situation has shaken me profoundly.
I blame myself.
I allowed it to happen.
At such a moment,
to go off with a stranger —
How could I be such a fool?
I hardly know him.
How can I trust these feelings?
I should know better.
I'm a woman of honor.
I have a conscience!
These feelings — they seemed to rise up out of nowhere.
I'm appalled and embarrassed.
To laugh with that joker with no thought of Guglielmo!
He's so loving and trusting.
I am disgusting.
N. 25 - Rondò
Fiordiligi
Oh my love, can you forgive me?
I was weak, and so distracted
But I promise that nothing happened
It was all just a foolish game
I am stronger than desire
And my strength is my salvation
I will banish all temptation
While I weep with bitter shame
While my love lay weak and wounded
I allowed my heart to stray.
But I'll put tonight behind me.
I'm committed, come what may.
For I love him, come what may.
Recitativo
Ferrando
I knew it. We've won the wager!
Guglielmo
You did all he asked you?
Ferrando
Followed him to the letter.
Fiordiligi passed with flying colors.
Ferrando
How was Dorabella?
What was her reaction?
I can only imagine.
She has a temper.
I bet you had your hands full.
Guglielmo
Well, you might say that.
She's certainly has spirit —
not at all what I expected.
Ferrando
Really. Tell me the details.
Did you seduce my girlfriend?
No, you are joking.
There's no way you are serious.
Guglielmo
If I were joking...
I don't think you would want to hear the punchline.
Ferrando
I don't believe you! You're lying.
That's why you're stalling.
You don't have any proof.
I see, you're trying
to make me blow my cover.
I know Dorabella. She has eyes for me alone.
Guglielmo
Okay. If you really want the proof
I will show you
She gave me something to remember.
Ferrando
That's Dorabella's!
I trusted her!
Guglielmo
Wait, Ferrando —
Ferrando
How can I live with this humiliation?
You were my friend!
I will have vindication!
Guglielmo
Take a breath.
Ferrando
No, I'll kill you!
Guglielmo
Wait a minute.
Don't throw away our friendship because
you agreed to a bet and lost it.
(I'm afraid he
might do something drastic.)
Ferrando
My God! I thought she loved me.
I trusted her. She seemed happy.
I thought I knew her.
Now, in one single evening
you've ruined my life.
Guglielmo
It wasn't my idea.
Ferrando
Should I confront her?
We'd have to tell them
About Alfonso's wager.
What are we gonna do?
What will we tell them?
Guglielmo
I don't know what to tell you.
Now we're in way too deep.
Ferrando
Just like that! So easy!
Now I wish I'd never met her.
Guglielmo
If you hate her so much, why not forget her?
N. 26 - Aria
Guglielmo
Maybe love is too much trouble,
too much trouble, too much trouble.
Who can blame us if we try?
But when everything comes crashing
down the stakes are much too high.
I love women, oh, I love them
I love women. I think they're great.
There is nothing I like better
than a night out with a date.
But deception by a woman
Well, it makes me wanna hate
I've defended loads of women
I'm a feminist full-blown
But then someone disappoints me
and it cuts me to the bone.
Maybe love is too much trouble
and we're better off alone.
I love women, I'm obsessed with them
Yes, I worship at the flame
I love everything that's feminine
There is nothing like a dame.
But a woman who's deceptive —
Well, then that's another game.
When a lover is deceptive
Then they have themselves to blame.
Scene 9
Recitativo (cut)
N. 27 - Cavatina (cut)
Recitativo (cut)
Scene 10
Recitativo
Despina
I'm glad to see you having
a good time at the party.
Dorabella
It's so confusing. I don’t know what to do.
I felt as if, somehow, he knew me.
He was so charming, so funny.
I don't see how any woman could resist him.
Fiordiligi
To hell with all of you.
You, and you, with Alfonso, that stupid strongman,
and the bozo he came with.
Dorabella
Did something happen?
Fiordiligi
What a disaster!
I can't believe it. How could I?
I have feelings... for a man who's not Guglielmo.
Fiordiligi
How on earth can a woman who's in love
forget herself so quickly?
Dorabella
Don't be so hard on yourself.
You're human.
Tell me, what is your intention?
Fiordiligi
I'll just forget him.
Despina
That doesn't seem too likely.
Fiordiligi
As long as he's not next to me...
Dorabella
When love comes knocking
why deny yourself the ecstasy?
N. 28 - Aria
Dorabella
Oh, love will send you tumbling
where all is strange and new
the fall is swift and humbling
nothing that you can do
Bewitching as a rabbit
who bids you follow in haste
As hard to shake as a habit
once you have got the taste
She who drinks deeply,
drinks deeply at love's fountain
may cause herself to swell
as mighty as a mountain
or shrink into a shell.
Drink of love's sweet fountain
All will soon be well
A wonderland is waiting
To catch you in its spell
The Queen of Hearts may heal you
or torture and tease till you cry
Accept the hand she deals you
The heart will never lie
Tickle and tease you...
Scene 11
Recitativo
Fiordiligi
Am I the only one here who hasn't gone mad?
Well, fine. I'm going and they can't stop me.
So what if I felt something for a moment?
I'll put all that behind me.
First I have to get rid of this stupid costume.
Time to remember who I am!
I need the number to call myself a taxi....
I'll charge right into the clinic, and I'll cause a commotion.
Then Guglielmo will never doubt my devotion!
In a moment my wounded hero
will behold a shining vision
I'll surprise him, I will inspire him
and bring solace to his heart.
After hours of lonely anguish
He will finally feel relief
Ferrando
While you leave me here to languish
I will surely die of grief.
Fiordiligi
Who let you in? Out, this instant!
Go, I beg you.
Ferrando
Ah no, my darling
I'm a lover, not a fighter
I have dropped all my defenses
I have lost the will to live.
Let me stay or I will die, for love I'll die.
Fiordiligi
Leave me, leave me.
Ferrando
Why won't you love me?
Fiordiligi
We are through. The party's over.
Ferrando
I will die if you won't love me.
Fiordiligi
For a clown, you're not very funny.
Ferrando
Love me, love me!
Fiordiligi
That's enough. This is not funny.
I can't stand you.
No, it isn't funny. No! Not funny!
Ferrando
See the man who stands before you.
I will wait until you're ready.
Patient and faithful, devoted and steady,
Oh my love, my heart is true.
Fiordiligi
Yes, I know... . Oh God — it's over.
How can I say no to you?
Ferrando and Fiordiligi
Come, embrace me, no more delaying
From the first I felt connection
now it's time for sweet affection
touch me, kiss me, oh my love.
SCENE 13
Recitativo
Guglielmo
I can't believe my eyes! Not Fiordiligi!
Now my life is over.
Alfonso
You better keep your voice down.
Guglielmo
I want to tear my hair out!
I can't believe she'd do this!
You were right!
Love is a game played by suckers.
To hell with Fiordiligi!
She is dead to me.
It is clear she never loved me.
I hate her! And Ferrando! How could he? Liar! Traitor!
Ferrando
What's up?
Guglielmo
Where is she?
Ferrando
Who? You mean Fiordiligi?
Guglielmo
I ought to… I could kill her!
But first I'm going to kill you… and then myself.
Alfonso
That seems a little overdramatic
Ferrando
I was sure Dorabella
would never ever hurt me.
Alfonso
My friends, I tried to tell you.
If you play the game of love,
prepare to suffer.
But even though she hurt you
I suspect you're not prepared to throw in the towel.
Guglielmo
Shit. I love her.
Ferrando
Same here.
Alfonso
Then you must take them as they are.
Stop looking for perfection. You'll never find it.
And it's a good thing.
If you look back on everything that's happened,
you're not exactly blameless.
If you forgive them, perhaps they will forgive you.
We're almost through here.
Looks like you've lost the wager
but at least you are wiser.
And you'll need to think quickly.
How do you want to end this?
I don't envy you. It's a tough situation.
Meanwhile, here's a song for inspiration.
N. 30 - Andante
Alfonso
Love is full of conundrums
a lot like plumbing.
Behind the surface
something's always bubbling
a river of sewage
and if you're negligent
the shit gets real pretty quickly
You kids think
love is unicorns and rainbows
but the sweet-smelling rose
is also prickly
You could shrug it off, grumble,
confront them, or dump them.
In the end, life is short.
Why not just love them?
Ferrando, Guglielmo e Alfonso
I say we (you) love them.
Scene 14
Recitativo (cut)
Scene 15
N. 31 - Finale
Despina
Everybody grab a partner
Doesn't matter, grab whoever
Mix it up, it's now or never
Time to get out there and dance
Al and I will be the judges
and we've got some special prizes
We will choose the best disguises
and we'll celebrate romance
Chorus
Everybody grab a partner
Doesn't matter, grab whoever
Mix it up, its now or never
Time to get out there and dance
Alfonso
Brilliant, brilliant. Complete perfection.
How creative! Innovative!
You have made a wise selection.
What a triumph. What a find!
Nothing like a little masquerade
a transformative tradition
say goodbye to inhibition
hide your face and free your mind
Despina and Alfonso
(This is quite an exhibition.
They are lucky love is blind.)
Scene 16
Chorus
Hail the court of Spartan royalty
Let the couples now come forward
And pronounce unending loyalty
Spartans, Spartans, ever onward.
Faith and hope and boundless charity
This is how our friends shall know us
We shall practice with sincerity
love in word and love in deed.
Ferrando and Guglielmo
What an unexpected pleasure
to receive this nomination
Fiordiligi and Dorabella
I'm astonished by this honor
on this spirited occasion!
Ferrando and Guglielmo
Aren't you lovely.
Fiordiligi and Dorabella
Aren't you special.
Ferrando and Guglielmo
So expressive.
Fiordiligi and Dorabella
You are impressive.
Fiordiligi, Dorabella, Ferrando, and Guglielmo
I salute you.
Fiordiligi, Dorabella, Ferrando, and Guglielmo
Bravo, Brava.
Fiordiligi, Dorabella and Ferrando
Let all care and worry leave us
let no memory ever grieve us
let us revel in this moment
and forget whatever's past
Guglielmo
(Ah! I would like to find some arsenic —
I would pour it into every goddamn glass.)
Scene 17
Alfonso
Now the moment is approaching
Where we make it all official.
So let's greet our guest of honor
with a mighty Spartan roar.
Fiordiligi, Dorabella, Ferrando and Guglielmo
We are Spartans, proud and principled!
Give a cheer for our officiant.
Come, right this way!
Despina
In the name of every Spartan
who has gathered to take part in
this uniting of true Spartan
hearts, I ask you now to rise
All the normal stipulations
for consensual relations
combinations, deviations
Choose a flavor. Any flavor.
You can try these on for size.
Ring Pops are produced and distributed.
Fiordiligi, Dorabella, Ferrando and Guglielmo
She is very organized!
Despina
Now let us review the details
Then we'll get this party started
Dorabella takes this fella
Fiordiligi takes this joker
for a space of seven minutes
Richer, poorer, sicker, weller,
and in full consideration
and with ample contemplation —
Fiordiligi, Dorabella, Ferrando and Guglielmo
We don't need a dissertation
skip ahead to coronation
Bring this evening to a close.
Despina and Alfonso
Everybody strike a pose!
A Polaroid is snapped of the two “couples.”
Chorus
We are Spartans, tough and true
With our discipline and muscle
We will make our rivals hustle
We are fighters, through and through.
We are Spartans, tough and true!
Fiordiligi, Dorabella, Despina, Ferrando and Guglielmo
What is that? Why are they cheering?
Alfonso
Let me see what I can learn.
No! Unbelievable!
I must be dreaming.
It's inconceivable!
A medical miracle.
I see your boyfriends!
Fiordiligi and Dorabella
You see our boyfriends?
Alfonso
They look recovered
and strong as ever
And they are coming,
coming this way!
Fiordiligi, Dorabella, Ferrando and Guglielmo
What are you saying?
How will we face them?
At such a moment
what can we do?
Fiordiligi and Dorabella
Don't let them see us.
Ferrando, Guglielmo, Despina
What are you playing at?
Fiordiligi and Dorabella
Don't let them see us!
Ferrando, Guglielmo, Despina
What are you playing at?
Fiordiligi and Dorabella
I can't be seen with you. You better go.
How could this happen?
Alfonso
Don't get hysterical.
Fiordiligi and Dorabella
What will we tell them?
Alfonso
Don’t get hysterical.
Fiordiligi and Dorabella
My life is over!
Oh woe is me.
Alfonso
I can fix anything
Just wait and see.
Fiordiligi and Dorabella
I have never been so nervous
I have never felt so guilty
And if I were him I'd kill me
How could I betray my love?
Scene 18
Ferrando and Guglielmo
Slightly sore and uncommonly humbled
While our egos have taken a tumble
Nothing's broken that can't be mended
But recovery may take some time.
Alfonso
Back already? Guglielmo! Ferrando!
It's incredible! Quick, tell us! What happened?
Ferrando and Guglielmo
Oh you know, couple shots of cortisone.
Thank God for cortisone!
We were sure you were sick with worry
so we told Doc we had to hurry,
hurry back to your loving arms.
Guglielmo
What is wrong? You look sick and uneasy.
Ferrando
Aren't you happy to see us again?
Alfonso
They are stunned, overcome with happiness,
overwhelmed that their heroes are here.
Fiordiligi and Dorabella
(I am frozen with fear of discovery
How I wish I could disappear.)
Guglielmo (to Fiordiligi)
I am still a bit unsteady.
Someone help me to the sofa.
Did you miss us?
How goes the party?
Did you miss us?
Tell us all!
Despina
taking off the mascot head, changing the subject
Alright, friends, it's time to call it.
I for one am quite exhausted
Most of us have class tomorrow
so it's time to go to bed.
Ferrando and Guglielmo
(She is covering for the ladies
But it's time we had this out.)
Despina
(They will blame me for their troubles
If I let the truth come out.)
Fiordiligi and Dorabella
Look how late, it's past my bed time.
I'm exhausted. I am out.
Alfonso
No one gets to go to bed until
we've dealt with all the wreckage.
picking up the scattered polaroids
Does this belong to someone?
Guglielmo
(It's a no-win situation.)
I demand an explanation!
Ferrando and Guglielmo
Step away, do not come near me.
I have never been so angry
And what's worse I'm disappointed
I believed that we were different
All your promises were lies. Lies!
Fiordiligi and Dorabella
Ah, my love, I'm sick with sorrow
I'm appalled at my behavior
I'm ashamed of my betrayal
If you hate me I cannot blame you
I am mortified. I wish that I could die.
Ferrando and Guglielmo
Please explain.
Fiordiligi
Why don't you ask him
and his two relentless friends?
Alfonso
This charade has been enlightening
but it's time that we got real.
Fiordiligi and Dorabella
I am shaking with anxiety.
What on earth will he reveal?
Ferrando
Sometimes a joke is not very funny.
Sometimes a bet is not worth the money.
Guglielmo
My pulse is pounding.
My hands are shaking.
Can you forgive me?
My heart is breaking.
Ferrando and Guglielmo
And to the doctor who cured our affliction
she was an innocent,
deluded as you.
Fiordiligi, Dorabella and Despina
I can't believe it.
Ferrando, Guglielmo and Alfonso
(This part is no fun.)
Fiordiligi, Dorabella and Despina
You're a deceiver!
Ferrando, Guglielmo and Alfonso
Takes one to know one!
Fiordiligi and Dorabella
He was the mastermind.
Why not blame him?
Alfonso
In this life there's no perfection
life and love are far from simple
I devised this small deception
so you all could learn the truth.
Lesson over. Let's be friends now.
We can shake on it. Class dismissed.
There's no happy ever after.
What comes next is up to you.
Fiordiligi and Dorabella
I admit I was in error
I was undermined by my advisor
Now I'm sadder but I'm wiser
I will try as best I can.
Ferrando and Guglielmo
It was cruel of me to test you
Please forgive me if you can.
Despina
I regret I ever let him
draw me into his deception
Still I stand by my advice.
You gotta live life while you can.
All
Hardly anything is certain
Love is crazy and confusing
Sometimes bracing and often bruising
When you love, you take a chance
What's the use of being cynical
Face the music, you can't escape it
Sure, the future's unpredictable
But why not enjoy the dance?
Life is short, enjoy the dance.
While we're here, enjoy the dance,
go take a chance.
Face the music and dance.